not really dead after all...

it feels absolutely great to be home! nothing can beat coming back home meeting your family and friends during Chinese new year. it is simply great. just being around family and friends makes you appreciate them more and can even make all your troubles in the world go away. unfortunately..not all troubles..

ever since i came back, i realised there is something not quite right with me. i feel something is bothering me...but i don't know what, why or who. i feel lost. lost in life. i don't know what i want to do with my life. what i want to achieve or what are my goals and etc...i practically have no plans! it doesn't help when i see friends succeeding in their careers, becoming managers, getting married, buying cars and houses but look at me?? don't get me wrong..i love my friends. they are the best. but when i'm around them, i feel foreign sometimes. like a stranger. but i think that is just because i haven't seen them for awhile.

even a couple of my friends asked me whether everything is alright with me. they say i'm not quite myself..but i tell them i'm fine...because i don't even know what is wrong with me. maybe over in nz i didn't have much of a social life...so i'm kinda adapting back to life now. so i'm still a little bit slow..but i'm really really glad my friends are still there for me.

i feel sometimes i'm starting all over again. living with my family, jobless, aimless, planless and moneyless. back to square one. i think i need to settle down. since i came back i haven't been or stayed at home for more than 2 weeks. so maybe i want to feel love again get pampered by my family and then start getting back on my own two feet again. considering when i was in nz, i didn't need to report to anyone, lived on my own, paid rent, have a job and living a care less life.

so what the f*ck is wrong with me?!

the main reason i came back to malaysia is for my family. to be close to them again. and now i'm already considering to move to singapore because of mag. do i want to move? mag wants me to move to singapore. singapore is nice. i like singapore. the country is modern, clean and safer. pay also higher! hehe but abit stress..ppl are abit like robots here...but the main thing is do i really want to move to singapore? did anyone asked me whether i want to work in singapore? everyone assumed i would end up there eventually. currently living with mag and i feel abit uncomfortable with the family around. maybe it is just me, considering we only have each other over in nz. so now we have a few more around and maybe it is making me feel uncomfortable. at the moment i don't feel like working yet. i secretly hope that people would not call me up for interviews or would not want to hire me. (I actually have one coming right up). majority of our lives are for working. work to buy this and that, work work work and before we know it, we might not even be there to enjoy life.

maybe i want to chill?

maybe i want to travel?

do i really have to choose between malaysia or singapore?

do i want to be near my family? or do i want to go away again, be alone?

do i want to go to nz again? do i want to try something new?

is this my so called troubles? or i just need time to think chill and sort things out? deep down inside i'm not 100% happy. not 100% Darren Tan. maybe i just need to relax and let things take its course. go with the flow or create the flow? or maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself.

whatever it is, i need to figure out what is happening to me...fast!

btw, happy chinese new year! =)